


Tick Tock

by senjorgen



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Romance, The 100 Femslash, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3948805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/senjorgen/pseuds/senjorgen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>clock, nightmares, a short e.e cummings poem, and maybe-death/maybe death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tick Tock

 

 

 

**TICK TOCK**

 

 

  
Lexa had always hated the clock. The antique clock that was hung against the white wall. Whereas, Clarke treasured it. She couldn’t complain.

 

She just couldn’t. How Clarke lived the way she lived. How Clarke smoked almost everyday till the walls smelled of it. But that was fine, at least to her. As long as Clarke wouldn’t disappear into thin air like how the white mist would.

 

The clock started to chime and Lexa floated out of reverie. She closed her eyes, gritted her teeth slightly and waited for the clock to stop chiming. If only she could control time, everything would be okay.

 

**

 

One afternoon, Lexa came back from a jog and found Clarke dancing in the living room, flailing her arms around with her eyes closed. Her black hair flowed beautifully in the air. The scene had Lexa's feet rooted to the ground and her mouth mildly open.

 

It was a rare moment to see Clarke in a gleeful state. The past few weeks, Clarke had  distanced herself from things she used to find joy in. Lexa thought of the worst but only to have it put aside immediately. She didn’t want to think about it. She just couldn’t.

 

Now, all her worries and doubts were washed away. Her heart ached happily. Clarke made a small twirl and stumbled a little. She glanced up and noticed Lexa in the hallway.

 

Clarke took off her earphones and put it on the table. She opened her arms and smiled widely. “Dance with me.” Even the cheerful kid-like tone of her voice surprised Lexa. It was the kind of _Clarke_ she missed. It was the kind of _Clarke_ when she first met her.

 

“I smell.” Lexa said, giving a weak smile. She couldn’t help but stare at Clarke. She needed to cement the image of her lover in her mind. “I need to shower.”

 

“Shower later.” Clarke pulled Lexa into a warm embrace. “You smell fine. In fact, you smell nice.” She kissed Clarke’s lips and her forehead. It was a way for Clarke to make Lexa believe her. Even though Lexa knew it wasn’t true but Clarke had made it seemed truthful. She always does.

 

“Liar.” Lexa rested her chin on Clarke's shoulder and rubbed the girl’s back. She felt the ribs and she was momentarily stiffened. She was afraid of breaking Clarke. Afraid of crippling the beautiful bones into ashes. Afraid of losing Clarke all over again. But she can’t let the morbid thoughts take over this moment.

 

Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist and began to hum. They slow danced to a tune only both of them knew. All the ‘I love yous’ were passed in between the humming notes.

 

**

 

Lexa awoke in a sweat, jolting her into a sitting position. It was ‘that’ dream again. A dream where she was in the middle of ocean. Voice buried in her throat but knew it was useless anyways. And she was drowning in fear and helplessness while Clarke... The clock chimed as it hit the midnight mark.

 

Clarke stirred and peered over her shoulder. Her eyes were half-open. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Lexa answered weakly as she ran a hand through her hair.

 

“Come here.” Clarke gently pulled Lexa to lie down. She kissed Lexa’s bare shoulder and then the back of her neck, assuring her in a way. “Everything is going to be okay.” She whispered. And Lexa believed her, as always.

 

Lexa tucked a hand under her cheek and listened to Clarke’s soft breathing. She couldn’t sleep that night.

 

**

 

“Remember to buy milk and _our_ cereal.” Clarke said. It wasn’t officially their cereal. It was just a term that they made up for themselves.

 

“I’m in the store now.” Lexa held the phone against her ear, eyes searching for something on the shelves.

 

“Don’t hang up yet. I want to hear your voice.”

 

“I’m going to see you soon.” She tried to fight off the smile etching across her lips, catching the attention of the cashier who had his brow raised. She didn't know why she always feels like she's going to get caught stealing something in a store.

 

“I just want to. Haven’t seen you for a long time.” Of course, Clarke exaggerated. But to the both of them, it did feel like a long time. “I love you.”

 

Suddenly, Lexa stumbled over something. “I love you too.” She said as she steadied her stance.

 

“What happened? I heard something.” _Clarke_ happened.

 

“Nothing.” Lexa laughed, earning a confused look from the cashier. She stopped by the cereal section and took the one they always had. “Got _our_ cereal.”

 

**

 

“Good. Very articulate and smooth." Kane remarked, adjusting his glasses while he was at it. “Go home now. It’s getting late. And, congratulations.”

 

“Thank you. See you tomorrow.” Lexa said with a smile. Kane was her neighbour and the editor in chief of where she worked. It’s good to know someone. He helped get the job she desperately needed to support her and Clarke despite her less stellar credentials than Clarke's. 

 

“How’s Clarke, by the way?” Kane asked in a sort of fatherly-knowing-what-happened-before- way. 

 

“She’s doing fine.” Images of Clarke smiling and dancing flooded her mind. Subconsciously, her smile grew.

 

“Good. Good.” He nodded and left.

 

Back at the apartment, Lexa slung the bag off her shoulder and searched for Clarke. A mixed CD which Lexa had made for Clarke was playing.

 

“Clarke where are you?”

 

“Here.” Clarke called out from the art room. She was wearing a washed out denim unbuttoned shirt and her hair was pulled into a loose bun with stray hairs hanging out.

 

Even then and now, Clarke was the most beautiful person Lexa had ever seen. The girl still had her eyes on the canvas, head tilting a little to the left. She had her lips pursed and in that moment, Lexa wanted to kiss her.

 

Lexa came up to her from behind and hugged her as she rested her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. “What are you drawing?”

 

“The ocean and maybe a lighthouse.”

 

Something jabbed into Lexa’s heart. Her smile faltered. “You know I hate the ocean.” She straightened her posture, letting go of Clarke.

 

“The ocean’s beautiful. Even the loneliness of it. You know?” That was it with Clarke. She could make the ordinary sound extraordinary. Lexa believed her. Clarke looked over her shoulder and met Lexa’s gaze with a smile.

 

“Not as beautiful as you.” Lexa cooed, eliciting a giggle from Clarke.

 

“Someone's a little cheesy, today?” Clarke grinned as she turned around in her seat to face Lexa fully. A sly smile was spread across Clarke’s face and then the next thing Lexa knew, her nose was painted with blue.

 

“That's the way it's gonna be huh?” Lexa asked in a mocking voice. Her finger took a dip in one of the colours and grazed it along Clarke’s face.

 

The next few seconds, they struggled playfully to paint each other’s face until Lexa stopped her with a kiss. Instead of faces, their bare skin was painted. The walls and floor had Lexa’s and Clarke’s hand prints. Their shirts tossed aside in the corner. They were each other’s canvas.

**

 

_A week later_

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that you got promoted?” Clarke crossed her arms over her chest, refusing to look at Lexa in the eye.

 

“How -?” Lexa froze at where she stood, keys dangling on her fingers.

 

“Raven told me.”

 

“You talked to your ex-girlfriend?”

 

“Don’t change the subject, Alexa.” Clarke said icily. She only says Lexa’s full name when she’s either angry or really happy. Lexa knew it was the former.

 

“I-I-  ”

 

“What? You thought that I would be sad? That I couldn’t handle it because I don’t work as hard as you do? You thought that I’m some kind of sad person who would’t be happy for her girlfriend just because I no longer work there? Is that it, Lexa? Well, you’re wrong.” Clarke rose from the couch abruptly and stormed her way into the bedroom, locking it.

 

They had outbursts like this before. In the past, they would make it up mutually. Now, Lexa felt like everything had always been her fault for all their arguments. It was her fault despite not knowing fully why it happened. She didn't know why she did not tell her. She didn't know why it was such a big deal. 

 

That night, Lexa had to be on the couch. The clock’s midnight chime sounded louder in the living room and so, she couldn’t sleep. It was too cold. Too cold without Clarke. The sound of the door opening was heard. Little light spilled into living room in a straight line. Soft little steps became more audible as it neared Lexa.

 

“I can’t sleep.” Clarke murmured in the dark. Lexa made space for Clarke to lie down with her. They fit perfectly in each other’s embrace, in every couch or seat, in every bed and in every space that existed. “I’m still mad at you.”

 

Lexa would lose her sleep just so Clarke could sleep comfortably. She’ll do anything to give her comfort. Anything at all.

 

**

 

The next morning, Lexa felt empty. As expected, Clarke was no longer in her arms. Walking into the kitchen, the girl was eating their cereal and ignored Lexa’s presence.

 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa said in a hopeful tone.

 

The thing with Clarke was that stubbornness was embedded in her genes since the beginning. She could hold a grudge for days. And all Lexa could do was sigh and let her do so.

 

**

 

_Days later_

 

Clutching the paper in her hand, Lexa arrived at the apartment. Ironically, the clock started to chime as it was 6 o’clock already.

 

“You’re home early.” Clarke said casually as she wrote a quote on the wall.

 

Lexa kept quiet. Too quiet, it created a stifling air between them. When Clarke sensed something was wrong, she put down the brush and glanced at her girlfriend. There was dullness in Lexa’s eyes but her lips were quivering slightly.

 

Clarke’s eyes landed on the familiar paper in Lexa’s hand. She swallowed hard and took a step forward towards Lexa. "Lexa, I-"

 

“Don’t.” Lexa said curtly.  Her grasp on the paper tightened, crumpling it. “Stay where you are.” She couldn’t stand to look at Clarke in the eye. It was all too painful and hurtful. There was only so much sadness a girl can take. Clarke’s eyes behold her whole world. _Their_ world together.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke said wearily and almost desperate. The mention of Lexa's own name from Clarke’s mouth created a wave of emotions all the time. But now, all Lexa felt was betrayal and full of anger. The kind of anger that pools in all the hatred it could absorb. The only person she hated was herself. It felt like she had failed, tasted the punishment, and dragged to be chained to its darkness.

 

“How could you?” Lexa's words were barely over whisper. But they hurt like little sharp knives. 

 

“Let me explain.”

 

“Explain what? There’s nothing left to explain. All the goddamn explanation is on that paper!” She threw the paper onto the coffee table. The nearby stuffs were rattled by the sudden force. “I can’t even look at you.” To look was to fail, to falter, to have the world fall apart under her feet. _Their_ world.

 

A form of helplessness grew in Clarke. Lexa walked past her and went into the bathroom. Clarke gave up knocking when it was close to  thirty minutes so she sat down on the floor with her back against the door. She wondered if Lexa was doing the same thing.

 

“I’m tired. Just so.. tired.” Clarke said, not expecting Lexa to hear it.

 

**

 

An hour later, the door was unlocked. The clicking awoke Clarke. She stood up and hesitated whether she should approach her. Before she could decide, Lexa opened the door.

 

Lexa’s eyes were red from crying and the sight broke Clarke’s heart. This time, Clarke couldn’t look at her in the eyes. The eyes she loved so much ever since they met. Those lingering looks in which Lexa could not help but shower Clarke with. They were the kind of eyes that were filled with life, and Clarke wanted to be a part of that. To be a part of Lexa's life. To be looked at that way forever. Now, Lexa's eyes were stricken with exhaustion and flooded with helplessness. The life that was once there were now drowned in ocean. 

 

“Are you tired of me?” Lexa asked in a small voice.

 

“W-what?” Clarke couldn’t understand at what she was saying.

 

“Are you tired of me?”

 

“No..”

 

“Then do it for me. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.” It was selfish of Lexa and she knew it. But Clarke was selfish too, for not telling her.

 

**

 

_A month later_

 

What seemed to be a regular day ended up differently. A grayer day, reflecting everybody’s mood. Clarke had met Lexa’s former girlfriend. She faked a smile and cut the conversation short after she had asked how Lexa was doing. Despite of her not doing anything to her, Clark was livid at the non-existent audacity the girl had.

 

So when Lexa came back home that day, Clarke decided something.

 

“I’m giving you a free pass. Take it.” She said forcefully. “You can leave. Just leave. I’ll be fine. Really.” Without warning, her eyes were filled with tears.

 

It was all too sudden. Lexa took a deep breath. “You don’t get to decide, Clarke. You don’t.” She paused and then continued slowly, “I’m not going to run away. That’s the end of it.” And with that, the clock hit the 9 o’clock mark.

 

“Even if I do, even if I’m thousand miles away, I’m still with you whether I like it or not. Remember when you told me that you were going to take a piece of me just like how your mother did with you? You lied.”

 

Because Clarke took all of hers.

 

**

 

_Some day_

 

Clarke was seated in a chair where her arm was hooked to a chemo drip. She was surrounded by few other patients. All of them were bald and over 50. Clarke and Lexa were considerably the only young ones in the room.

 

“Will you still love me when I go bald again?”

 

“I’ll still love you even if you murdered 50 people.” Lexa smiled before giving a chaste kiss on Clarke’s lips. Clarke giggled at the sweet taste of her mouth and the ridiculousness of what she said.

 

The patient who was knitting stopped and looked hard at the both of them.

 

**

 

At work, Lexa stopped talking to Raven and to everyone else. The stares she got from them made her feel bitter. They knew because of Raven. And for that, Lexa hated Raven for telling everyone.

 

She hated the stares she received. She hated the constant whispers whenever she came around. They looked at her as if Clarke was going to die. They looked at her as if Lexa had already lost a lover.

 

She hated all of them. The only person she could tolerate was Kane. But even with him, her patience was thinning out.

 

**

 

Lexa stopped having sleeps. The least number of hours she had was two hours. But even in those hours, the ‘nightmare’ came back. There were many other nightmares. Nightmares where she was drowning in the middle of the ocean, a monster pulling her down. It didn’t scare her as much as this would.

 

Instead a black looming monster, the dark unknown lengths of the ocean feared her the most. And its haunting whispers that kept repeating, “Let her go.” Lexa wasn’t drowning. Clarke was, and she was holding onto Lexa for dear life. The whimpering cries slipping from Clarke’s lips echoed in Lexa’s ears.

 

Therefore Lexa rather not sleep at all. Some times she would sit on the edge of the bed and then shift near Clarke just to see her face. Most of the time Lexa stood close to her, making sure Clarke was still breathing. The sound of the clock accompanied her every night.

 

**

 

The vomitting became more frequent. Lexa felt useless because all she did was pull Clarke’s hair back and give her water. When Clarke no longer had hair, only a scarf covering her scalp, Lexa would rub her back and give her water. When all those options exhausted, Lexa would cry in the bathroom after Clarke goes to sleep. The only time she would let go of herself and be selfish. 

 

Because that was all she could do. She couldn’t give the comfort she wished for Clarke. She couldn’t believe Clarke’s words anymore. Words like; “It’s going to be okay.” and “I’m fine.” Even when Clarke kissed her lips and her forehead afterwards. It didn’t work like it would always do.

 

It was never going to be okay. No amount of ‘fine’ would make her believe. Despite of all of it, a tiny stupid thing called hope kept urging her to do so. It was stupid but very much needed. Somehow, it was a little comforting.

 

**

 

_Months of chemotherapy. Result: unsuccessful._

 

The first thing they did after coming back from the hospital was to eat cereals in silence. Then Clarke went to the art room and continued her painting while Lexa went out to buy more cereals. When she arrived, the chiming of the clock welcomed her.

 

Lexa put the cereals neatly inside the cabinet and then rearranged them again. Over and over again.

 

“It’s going to be okay.” Clarke appeared in the door way with her head hung low. Lexa looked at her, particularly at where the scarf was wrapped around.

 

Again, Lexa did not believe her. Nothing was believable anymore. Nothing was worth believing if it meant Clarke wasn't there to share her beliefs with.

 

**

 

“Let her go.”

 

_No._

 

“Let. Her. Go.”

 

_No._

 

Lexa jolted into consciousness. She looked around at where she was; the living room. The clock stated what time it was; around 4. Rising from her seat, she went to find Clarke on the balcony, smoking. She frowned.

 

The expression was soon replaced by a sad look. Clarke was all bones and edges. Cheeks deflated, skin much paler, cuts stayed unhealed, and eyes duller. The sunlight made Lexa realized that. She hated the sun for it. 

 

**

 

“Don’t leave me.” Lexa whispered, her arms around Clarke's skinny waist. The room was dark but she managed to see her face with the help from the moon outside.

 

“I’ll go when you want me to.”

 

“I don’t want you to go.”

 

Clarke sighed in tired struggle. “It’s okay, Lex.”

 

Lexa didn’t really know what Clarke meant by that. Until the _day_ came.

 

**

 

The pain became too unbearable for Clarke. As Lexa feared, Clarke had to be admitted to the hospital. Her ground was shifting slowly. The fear had grown, had crawled its way to the surface. When Lexa was about to leave work early to visit Clarke, Raven had asked how Clarke was holding up. 

 

Right after that, Lexa slapped her and left abruptly. Tears threatening to fall as she walked out of the building.

 

**

 

“Do you still remember the poem I read to you the other night?” Clarke asked in a weak voice. All such of drips were connected to her arms. The shine in her eyes were withering. It pained Lexa.

 

Lexa had never once cry infront of Clarke. Crying because of a movie, a show, or other trivial things was different thing. But to cry for and infront of Clarke, she never did. When it was all too much to bear, tears slid down her cheeks.  

 

“Shh. Don’t cry.” Clarke weakly lifted her arm, wanting to touch Lexa’s cheek. Lexa moved closer and placed Clarke’s palm against her cheek, feeling the ghost of  Clarke's warmth. The warmth that used to envelope Lexa in quiet pleasures and happiness. Even in the coldest hours, there was warmth. Clarke was that warmth she never failed to crave for. “Recite the poem for me.”

 

“I do not know what it is about you..” Lexa stopped when Clarke started to cough uncontrollably.

 

When the coughing had subsided,  Clarke urged her to continue.

 

“That closes and opens; only something in me understands..” Lexa heaved a sigh before continuing, “Only something in me understands. The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.” Slowly, she closed her eyes. “Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.”

 

**

 

_Some day_

 

Walking into the room, another figure stood in front of Clarke. Lexa recognized who it was; Raven.

 

“How dare you come in here.” She clenched her fists. A sense of surprise filled Raven’s widened eyes.

 

“Lex.. she’s a friend.” Clarke tried to sit up right. Quickly, Lexa came to her aid. “I can do this myself.” Clarke shrugged Lexa off.

 

“I’ll leave. I’ll be back tomorrow.” Raven gave a sympathetic smile and lightly hug Clarke. Lexa’s eyes never left Raven until the girl walked out of the room.

 

“Why are you so bitter about her?” Clarke rolled her eyes. “I want to be alone for a while.” Her back facing Lexa. The whole day Clarke ignored her.

 

**

 

_Some day_

 

The truth was nearing. It made Lexa suffocate. Gasping for air. Just like one of those nightmares she had. But this time, it was real.

 

Raven being in the same room worsened it. But Clarke’s condition was much more important than to be holding grudges against a person. Her breathings had gone tired and her sleeping hours was prolonged as she needed the drugs to keep the pain off. Lexa thought of all the pain that harbouring in Clarke's body and wished desperately to take all of it so she'll bear it instead of her.

 

But the greatest pain was not felt by the patient. It was Lexa. 

 

Before Clarke fall into a slumber, she told her weakly to wind up the clock back at the apartment. In which Lexa begrudgingly agreed to do so. She could never say no. It didn't help the fact that the atmosphere was insufferable with Raven around. She wanted to get  away and she hated for feeling so.

 

In the apartment, she stared at the old clock before her. Somehow it looked menacing and was just there to mock Lexa. Drowsiness took over Lexa, eliciting a long yawn. Soon, sleep came. Somewhere along the minutes, the ‘nightmare’ came to visit Lexa.

 

**

 

The water swallowed her whole body. Lexa struggled to keep Clarke and herself afloat. Water splashing everywhere. Arms flailing. Visions blurred.

 

“Let her go.” The dark ocean whispered in a dangerous tone. “And you’ll live.”

 

_No._ Lexa screamed but it came out muffled as water rushed into her lungs. Time was slipping away so did Clarke. Something was pulling her down and Lexa held on to her.

 

The strength was too great for her. The burden was too heavy on her shoulder. And in the end, she did something that was unforgivable. Something she failed to recognize as a human thing to do. 

 

**

 

“Alexa! Alexa!” Raven shook her hard, awakening the girl. “You were sobbing.”

 

Sweats trickled down Lexa’s forehead. “Wha.. What are you doing here?”

 

“Clarke asked for you. You didn’t answer your phone. So I came here. We’ll take the same car on the way there.” Without realizing it, Lexa had forgotten to wind the clock.

 

As they were on their way to the hospital,  silence momentarily filled the air.

 

“I’m her friend, Alexa.” Raven finally spoke up. “I’m sorry for what I did.” She sighed. “But she needs us. I still love her, you know? As a friend. You’re not the only who’s hurting.”

 

Lexa opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Raven was right.

 

**

 

“Remember what I said before? I’ll go when you let me.” Clarke’s lips were so dry. It made Lexa want to grab a glass of water for her.

 

She nodded in response, unsure at where this was going.

 

“I need you to that for me when the time comes. No matter what you decide, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Lexa.”

 

Lexa came closer to let Clarke kiss her on the lips and then on the forehead.

 

**

 

When the time came, the clock stopped ticking. Clarke’s heart stopped pumping. And Lexa no longer fought to stay afloat because she rather drown herself in Clarke’s ocean. But she didn't. For her, the clock kept ticking and her heart ached to keep living.

 

Alexa had let Clarke go and herself free. Even after all that, she believed Clarke when she said that it was going to be okay.


End file.
